"Your Mommy is a Butthole"

 I have been a Professional Nanny for enough years to find that there are few things that come from the mouths of babes that can actually surprise me.  However, rarely does a day pass that I am not moved to fits of side splitting, eye watering, pant wetting laughter over the verbal shenanigans of children.  The following, is one of my very favorite case studies. 

While on a group playdate with my two tots, I had the extreme pleasure to observe this interaction between my dear friend, Ashley and her two beautiful children, Gracyn (5) and Lane (3).

Gracyn:  “Mommy?  What’s a bad word?”

Ashley:  “Why are you asking, honey?”‘

Gracyn:  “Our teacher told us kids to stop using bad words.”

Ashley:  “Well, what bad words were being used, Sweetheart?”

Gracyn:  “I don’t want to say.”

Ashley:  “Don’t be afraid, Sweetie.  Nothing you say will get you in trouble.  What words were used?”

Gracyn:  “Butt.”

Ashley:  “Well, okay.  There’s nothing really wrong with the word butt.  However, you can use it in a mean or bad way.”

Gracyn:  “Like if you call someone a Butthole?”

Ashley:  “YEP!  That’s not nice!”

Gracyn:  “Uhm – Mom?  I have something to tell you.

Ashley:  “Okay.”

Gracyn:  “Tommy from my class called you a Butthole.”

Ashley:  “WHAT?”

Gracyn:  “I told him my mom is NOT a Butthole, then I told the teacher.”

Ashley:  “Do you think I am a Butthole?”

Gracyn:  “No.”

Ashley:  “I have always tried to be super nice to the kids in your class.  I bring cookies and great snacks, so it kind-of hurts my feelings that Tommy would say that.”

Lane:  (Age 3, coming in for the big win!)  “TOMMY IS A BUTTHOLE!”

…And conversation over.  Gotta give it to him.  Some people just know how to wrap things up in a neat little package.  No doubt a gift that will serve him well in the future. 

As I think about my funny, sweet friend, Ashley, I feel a little sorry for her.  I know she is clueless as to why she has been appointed class Butthole, having done nothing to earn the scandalous title.  Yet, as I watch my two charges play peacefully with their friends, there is one tiny part of me doing a private “WooHoo!”  Because just this once – it’s someone else’s turn.  Yes, just this one time – NANNY’S NOT THE BUTTHOLE!  WOOHOO!

My Friend Ashley – Definitely NOT a Butthole