Nanny-dotes
A Disturbance in the Force
THROAT PUNCH THURSDAY
There are times in Nannydome, when your look at your young charge, the very one whose job you have to shape into a successful member of society, and you think, “I’m just not getting through here.” This is definitely the case on the “Day of the double throat punching.”
Walmartians, Hummers and Anacondas - Oh My
As I pull my minivan into the farthest spot from the front door in the fully packed parking lot of the Walmart Superstore, my mood begins to slip in a southerly direction at an alarming rate. Weekly grocery shopping is not one of my favorite Nanny duties on a good day, but add torrential downpour, two cranky children with drippy noses and attitudes to match, and the task can slide from tolerable to excruciating in no time flat.
NANNY'S MAGIC LUMP
As occasionally happens in Nannydom, I am asked to stay over a weekend with the children while parents enjoy some peaceful, mucous-free alone time. Obviously my job is to ensure their little darlings remain alive and within acceptable limits of physical and emotional wellbeing in their absence - sometimes easier said than done.
ZOLOFT CAKE
One day a dear friend asks if I would be able to assist her in planning and shopping for her four year-old granddaughter’s upcoming birthday party. Like most little girls of four in America, my friend’s granddaughter is obsessed with the Walt Disney movie “Frozen”.
BEWARE of Toddlers with Technology
It is not uncommon these days to see a young child adeptly pressing icons on an iPad, typing away on a computer or completely engrossed in a conversation on a cell phone. I am, however, uncomfortable asking a five year-old to get me “un-stuck” while trying to navigate the three remotes on an Apple TV.
Pre-K is No Place for Sissies
Upon picking up my two charges from school one hot spring day, I arrive to find the younger child looking as though she has been dragged through the school yard by a team of raging buffalo. A mere seven hours earlier, I drop off the sparkling child at the very same location with perfectly symmetrical pigtails, a cleanly scrubbed face, freshly pressed clothing, well fed and ready to face the day.
"Your Mommy is a Butthole"
I have been a Professional Nanny for enough years to find that there are few things that come from the mouths of babes that can actually surprise me. However, rarely does a day pass that I am not moved to fits of side splitting, eye watering, pant wetting laughter over the verbal shenanigans of children. The following, is one of my very favorite case studies.
Chuck e Cheese - Where a Kid Can Be a Kid...and a Parent Can Be in Hell!
hadn’t patronized one of these exhilarating establishments in the past 10 years…until yesterday, when a group of parents and I had the bright idea to take nine, end-of-summer crazed preschoolers.
End of the Innocence: The Children's Disturbing Discovery of Mommy and Daddy's Vibrating, Marital Enhancement Device
I suppose something of this nature is bound to happen when one works for so many years in peoples' private living spaces. One does their very best to avoid areas that might contain adult or intimate paraphernalia, such as unmarked boxes in the master bedroom, drawers or closets in the master bathroom and one of the most suspicious locations of all...
Toddlers, butt-cracks and bosoms
Nanny Goes Green
It is a glorious spring day, and I am taking my two charges, ages two and four, to a nearby strawberry farm where the general public can hand-pick and purchase their own berries by the bucket. I’m not sure why I think this is a good idea…
Anatomically Correct Primate Genitalia
Today the children and I are visiting the zoo, and as luck would have it, the temperature is a brisk 96 degrees in the shade, with 87% humidity. The children love the zoo, and we visit often. Oddly enough, some of their favorite attractions are the many life sized bronze animal statues that are scattered around the park.